10 years ago, I was nineteen years old and a freshman in college. I was fearful of living on campus, so I elected to stay home with my parents for undergrad. I worked part-time at a now defunct clothing store, Anchor Blue, and I was navigating the inner workings of the gay community—with a level of discretion. My closest friends were gay and some of my high school acquaintances knew I was a same-gender loving guy. By this time, my mom was very suspicious and began asking me questions concerning my lack of girlfriends or even the mention of woman. I was terrified to tell her as I thought I knew her unchanging thoughts on homosexuality. It definitely didn’t help that her brother and best friend died of AIDS in 1990. This left a bad taste in the mouths of my family. My mother wasn’t overtly homophobic, but I knew she felt “it wasn’t right” and it “went against the Bible”. This created a fear for most of my childhood and teen years because I loved my mother deeply and she loved me. The thought of losing that love and respect crippled me and made me as private as possible. But one day, it just happened.Read More
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Sex is everywhere in the media. You can turn on your television at this moment and be bombared with jokes, innuendos, and graphic content. Though we've come a long way with the topic of sex, it still appears to be taboo among various communities when it comes to how one should conduct his or herself in sexual interactions and relationships. Sadly, we still live in a world where women who are sexually liberated are slut-shamed while men who bed many women are heralded as players and macho! Even more disappointing, the gay community has attemped to adapt this same sexist heteronormative mentality among groups of men: Tops (Givers) can have sex with whomever, while Bottoms (Recievers) are sluts and whores for having multiple partners— Does anyone realize how stupid that sounds? We are all men! We need to get it together and provide our own equality within our community.
I'd like to note this piece has nothing to do with what's morally correct, as I am sexually liberated. I live in the real world where hormones and flesh sometimes win. I don't allow society to dictate whom I can sleep with and neither should anyone else: male, female, top, bottom, trans, cat, dog, or mice. Labels are for people who accept them. The only advice I truly give is PLAY SAFE. You can have all the fun you want but please use protection; your health is important.
A common discussion I've participated in with other gay men is the timeline of meeting someone new and initially having sex. There is a mentality that one should wait to have sex if they want the connection to become a strong relationship and there's the notion that you can have sex as soon as you meet and still build a lasting relationship; it ultimately depends on the two people involved.
This conversation can be pretty intense, depending on whom you engage. I've heard examples of men who had sex after their first dinner date and ended up dating for three years. On the other end of the spectrum, I've heard of men who waited for sex through months of dating, and shortly after mutual ejaculation, all communication ceased.
I believe it truly does depend on the two people involved but from my personal experiences, there are some things I've considered to be more successful. I've definitely had my hand at rushing to the sexual connection with men in which I was intrigued, even on the 1st or 2nd date. The results I got were: we continued dating but realized we weren't compatible and we couldn't stand each other. Two, I caught feelings and the other person didn't. Three, They caught feelings and I didn't. Four, we became friends with benefits because the sex was just that damn good. In none of my experiences, did quick sex turn in to a lasting committed relationship.
Now, there are few people that I consider exes—to be ranked as a ex, we'd have to date a minimum of 6 months. We mutually chose to wait for sex and that had lasting effects on the relationship. I believe this is because, when you date someone, you get to know each other. You start to see what makes the other person tick. You become more invested in the other person's feelings, which makes it harder to just chuck up the dueces after sex. There was no set time or rule in place, we just mutually said we would wait until it felt right. For me, it was no more than 1 or 2 months, countless dates, and making out. Yes, when lust ran rapid, it was hard and so was I. However, when we finally got around to having intercourse, that connection was far more genuine.
We run risks when we wait. The sex could be horrible, they could have parts that don't go well with your body, or you could realize there is little chemistry. Don't be a prick and say it's a "waste of time", because if you truly enjoyed your non-intimate connection with another person, that will forever be an experience to treasure AND you will think twice before deciding to walk away from the relationship because you've invested more than your flesh. If your goal is to be in a relationship, this is a suggested path.
This is something that will weigh differently on individuals. Love and Sex will always be risky. We have to ensure we consider and try different techniques to ensure we get the results we desire. Now, everyone is different, so, if you want to have sex within moments of meeting someone, go for it. If you want to wait, be my guest. Either way you are gambling. Just make sure you examine the slot machine and play a few light games before placing your Max Bet.
In a time of highly degreed individuals, stuck in low paying jobs and paying off high interest student loan debt, we need a little something to keep us going. With that, I say, count your blessings—literally.Read More